I am now staring in front of my netbook screen, thinking how life could have been if things were a little different. I was just thinking how I would have become had I not agreed to succumb to matters that periled me seven years ago….
Please don’t get me wrong. I am absolutely thankful with whatever I have right now. Who would complain on enjoyable set of friends, cool band mates, remarkable job opportunities, and protective family. Truly, I am grateful to all these things you have bestowed upon me. Not everyone can experience all of them at the same time. And I couldn’t ask for more. But sometimes, there are issues that I feel are not yet resolved and dwelt upon. That there are various aspects in my life that need to be clarified, settled, or let go if necessary…
Writing this letter to you takes a lot of courage because I don’t even know if you’d care to read at all. Nonetheless, I better do this. For the love of sanity…
You see, I am having some difficulties in terms of my music. Not that I complain about it. I can never ask for anything more than a lovely voice and inclination to creating prodigious melodies, from which you’ve already given me. However, with the type of progress that I have right now, I have to admit it’s kind of disturbing. I know for a fact that you have always known that I want to do music for the rest of my life. No matter what endeavour it might be, you know I’d create songs and engage to musical attempts in a heartbeat. But will I ever get rewarded?
On the other side other than my creative predisposition, you know better that I also wanted to become a lawyer. In fact, you’ve always known that I’d be very determined to undertake the path to such field. Though I am not quite sure, I am pretty confident that you have given me the means and capabilities to become one. But why have I been led to a different track?
Oops, by the way. I am not ranting about the things you’ve given me beyond my control. I don’t blame anyone, even my parents, when my right to choose for my own future was jeopardized. More so, I don’t express disgust of them being so manipulative of my decisions in terms of my college course and future. I am lucky to have my parents around. And I owe you for that. I also don’t complain for discrimination and musical indifferences. I know for sure that you all gave me this to become a much better person.
But sometimes God, it’s so much devastating that I end up staring at blank space drifting away. I engage to oblivion daydreaming as I attempt to shield myself off from chaos and distraction. And yeah, PAIN. It hurts so much dear Lord that I don’t have the power to know if my sacrifices are worth it or if I’d ever end up to be the person that I want to be.
And people don’t understand. Just because you equipped me with the means to become tough, that they don’t know that I’m also a weak duckling inside; that I need nurturing, reassurance, and comfort; that I am a human too just like them.
That I am vulnerable… And now, my soul is tattered and torn.
Do I ever get to reach that little faint star I’m trying to achieve?
It’s funny how I want an answer yet don’t want to hear about it.
For now, I just want people to understand me. See me in a macro-perspective. Those people I love and care the most.
Pets. (yeah, Cookie and Chuckie.)
I pray that they understand how a terrible wreck I am right now and it’s not my fault.
I was just trying to deal, compensate, and sustain. And in the past seven years of bearing, this has what become of me.
God, I know there’s no point of doing this. I think writing this letter is useless because I should be getting ready for my upcoming interview instead. However, I felt compelled to draft this one…
For the love of sanity.
I’ve laid out all my cards dear God. I surrender to you my game.