Singing Along “Sad Movies”

According to Papa, I would always sing the song entitled, “Sad Movies”. He further added that my favorite line then was, “Ooh… Sad Movies… Always make me cry…”

Now I realize, even happy memories make me burst into sobs and tears.

(Circa 1990)

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Tina’s Prayer for Her Sanity – A Plea for Answers

Dear Lord,

I am now staring in front of my netbook screen, thinking how life could have been if things were a little different. I was just thinking how I would have become had I not agreed to succumb to matters that periled me seven years ago….

Please don’t get me wrong. I am absolutely thankful with whatever I have right now. Who would complain on enjoyable set of friends, cool band mates, remarkable job opportunities, and protective family. Truly, I am grateful to all these things you have bestowed upon me. Not everyone can experience all of them at the same time. And I couldn’t ask for more. But sometimes, there are issues that I feel are not yet resolved and dwelt upon. That there are various aspects in my life that need to be clarified, settled, or let go if necessary…

Writing this letter to you takes a lot of courage because I don’t even know if you’d care to read at all. Nonetheless, I better do this. For the love of sanity…

You see, I am having some difficulties in terms of my music. Not that I complain about it. I can never ask for anything more than a lovely voice and inclination to creating prodigious melodies, from which you’ve already given me. However, with the type of progress that I have right now, I have to admit it’s kind of disturbing. I know for a fact that you have always known that I want to do music for the rest of my life. No matter what endeavour it might be, you know I’d create songs and engage to musical attempts in a heartbeat. But will I ever get rewarded?

On the other side other than my creative predisposition, you know better that I also wanted to become a lawyer. In fact, you’ve always known that I’d be very determined to undertake the path to such field. Though I am not quite sure, I am pretty confident that you have given me the means and capabilities to become one. But why have I been led to a different track?

Oops, by the way. I am not ranting about the things you’ve given me beyond my control. I don’t blame anyone, even my parents, when my right to choose for my own future was jeopardized. More so, I don’t express disgust of them being so manipulative of my decisions in terms of my college course and future. I am lucky to have my parents around. And I owe you for that. I also don’t complain for discrimination and musical indifferences. I know for sure that you all gave me this to become a much better person.

But sometimes God, it’s so much devastating that I end up staring at blank space drifting away. I engage to oblivion daydreaming as I attempt to shield myself off from chaos and distraction. And yeah, PAIN. It hurts so much dear Lord that I don’t have the power to know if my sacrifices are worth it or if I’d ever end up to be the person that I want to be.

And people don’t understand. Just because you equipped me with the means to become tough, that they don’t know that I’m also a weak duckling inside; that I need nurturing, reassurance, and comfort; that I am a human too just like them.
That I am vulnerable… And now, my soul is tattered and torn.

Do I ever get to reach that little faint star I’m trying to achieve?

It’s funny how I want an answer yet don’t want to hear about it.

For now, I just want people to understand me. See me in a macro-perspective. Those people I love and care the most.

Family.

Friends.

Band mates.

Pets. (yeah, Cookie and Chuckie.)

Axle.

I pray that they understand how a terrible wreck I am right now and it’s not my fault.

I was just trying to deal, compensate, and sustain. And in the past seven years of bearing, this has what become of me.

God, I know there’s no point of doing this. I think writing this letter is useless because I should be getting ready for my upcoming interview instead. However, I felt compelled to draft this one…

For the love of sanity.

I’ve laid out all my cards dear God. I surrender to you my game.

Thank you,

Tina

Why I Started LOVING MY NICHE

There are times when you have to make decisions for yourself even though it means disapproval and rejection from your loved ones. There are things that you want to pursue but no one seems to care or even understand. Everyday, you’re being bombarded with expectations that you know you won’t be able to fulfil not because you can’t, but because you just don’t want to. Have you experienced such dilemma?

Unfortunately, I did. And I had experienced such situation in a hard way. By the way, I am Tina Siuagan. I am a nurse by profession but a singer, musician, writer, and lawyer-wannabe at heart. I have always wanted to pursue the things I am passionate about in life. However, due to some “restraints”, I have to set all of them aside. My parents want me to take up B.S. Nursing in college, so I have no choice but to abandon my passion for liberal arts, singing, and theater. So instead of enrolling at the College of Theater Arts (from which I already had a slot for enrollment), I went to a top-caliber State University to carry out my parents’ wishes. Ridiculous move right? Well, it wasn’t that time when all parents were urging their children to study nursing and become a nurse, because of surging demands for nurse professionals abroad. I am not alone. There are thousands of us who left our own niches to traverse an unknown realm that’s completely foreign to what our heart desires. Okay, going back… I was fortunate enough to graduate on April 2009 in a scholarly status (Never thought I could make it.) and pass the Nurse Licensure Exam on the same year of graduation with flying colors.

With my dad, during my Oathtaking. (February 2010)

I thought I’d manage to become contented in my newly found career, that is, being a registered nurse. I tried my best to forget the past behind – my true happiness and aspirations in life. There’s nothing wrong with being a nurse, I thought. It’s a noble profession and a rewarding career. Not all can become one. I feel more like chosen to be part of such profession. So I decided to give it a try. Fortunately, I’ve landed a job as a triage nurse at one of the most premiere health facilities in the Philippines. There, I was able to practice my clinical skills and experience a life full of interactions. And that happened everyday, for eleven months. I thought it was really cool…

As the adage goes, FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES. My love and passion are music and law. When some big opportunity came up sometime in April 2011, that’s the time when I got confused for a while. I was torn between continuing my nursing career and pursuing my passion for other things. A sterling promise is awaiting me but I can’t proceed just yet. Leaving the nursing field is hard because I came to love the profession. And I knew that such career move would cause my parents a great deal of devastation. They’ve always wanted me to become a nurse. It’ll break their hearts to find out that I am leaving it behind.

Eventually, on July 2011, I broke free. I resigned from the triage nurse position and set off to a journey of self-discovery. I would like to find my long lost music and my future career. And no matter what happens, I’d be very thrilled as to where this venture gets me…

I don’t intend to play the part of the victim here. All I want to do is to write about my experiences. Maybe by doing that, I could release all the tensions I have and, who knows, I might help others to do the same. The aforementioned experiences are the said reasons why I set-up this website. Here, I opt to take into account all the progresses I achieve or incur in my attempt to pursue my life’s greatest passions. I would like to write about my hardships, my triumphs, and everything in between…

I just love singing...

People say I am broke for having turned my back from my profession. No they’re wrong, because I am rich in every way…

Others would say I won’t succeed. Who are you to know?

I might not have everything in life, but I don’t really mind…

I’m LOVING MY NICHE.