Friends and loved ones would always ask me about my “ideal” age to settle down; that is, to get married and have children. Oh boy, I always evaded questions like that. For one, I really don’t know how to respond properly. Next, I’ve always believed there is no such thing as that “ideal” age. And for god’s sake — I’m only twenty five years old!
But deep within – in my remote consciousness – I’m pretty convinced that I wouldn’t be able to marry and be the mother our society expects me to be.
Or maybe not.
Whenever I say “No, I wouldn’t want to get married”, “I wouldn’t find the right guy for me”, and other lame excuses, my friends and loved ones would always be “bothered”. They think there’s something I breed with resentment. Worst, they imagine that I am a lesbian or something (Yes, I think that one is hard core STEREOTYPING!) And as I repeat those remarks, they are becoming more convinced that there really is something wrong with me.
For the record, there isn’t anything that complicates my life, enough to make me think horrible about marriage and motherhood. In fact, I’ve always regarded these as two of the most important milestones a woman should hurdle, if not accomplish. Besides, who wouldn’t want to experience the joys of marriage and motherhood — two of the gazillion things my family showed and rooted me into, with flying colors?
In case I do become a wife and mother, I can only hope that I’d be just like Teresita – my mother.
Now, I think one of the major reasons behind my evasiveness to marriage and motherhood is my fear not to be as good as my mother. I am scared to death not to become the kind of woman who, like her, is loving, affectionate, and supportive to her husband. I fear the notion of having to experience failure of making my marriage work when it goes “on-the-rocks”. And I am pretty sure I’d be shattered to “fine” pieces if I don’t get to raise my future children, just the way Mama did on me and my two younger brothers.
And until I have enough courage to get out of my shell and be as brave and courageous as Mama had done to face her life with us, I think I wouldn’t be worthy of the title “wife” and “mother”.
Happy Mother’s day to the best warrior whom I’ve seen battle all wars and challenges life has to offer — with glam and style! Thank you for giving me a clear blueprint of how this little girl in me could “grow up” to become the fine lady you’d want me to be.
We love you, Ma!